“The Scorpian and the Fox – A Survivor’s Tale!”
So this is it, everything I’ve learned in the two and a half years since I walked out on my BPD Queen with the engagement ring still in my pocket…
‘… Disclaimer: The following material was written for individuals trying to recover from a relationship that had toxic consequences for them, and is not intended as a support resourse for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits.
I do however send my apologies and empathy to the milder variants; the ones who actually seek help; and the ones who warn their romantic partners in time to defend themselves! But from all accounts you are the minority!
Nothing I write here should be construed as meaning there is no hope for you and you should give in and/or end it all. You should not! You should get treatment, warn any future partner and work together every day to ensure a far happier ending to your own story…
Cluster B Personality Disorders:
Borderline Personality Disorder is part of the Cluster B Spectrum and is often described as a mixture of disorders with varying blends and degrees of severity making it hard to pinpint exactly and a nightmare to treat.
Definition: Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
For me I now view it as one Narc Spectrum with Mild to Severe versions where each Cluster B variant (Borderline/Histrionic/Antisocial/ Narcissist) can appear singularly or as a hybrid on any part of the spectrum from Mild to Severe. A Sweet Shop “Pick and Mix” if you will.
More men seem to fall into the Narcissism/Antisocial area and more women into the Borderline/Histrionic area but there are no set rules. There are a multitude of variations of Borderline as well as several sub-types of Narcissism as well. Antisocial includes Sociopaths and Psychopaths. Histrionics are drama queens prone to sexualised attention-seeking behaviours, an overt symptom of Borderline or Narcissism rather than a disorder unto itself. I don’t know if that helps but it helps me to make some sense out of the upside down Gaslit world of the Cluster B’s.
A Narcopath as I have come to understand it is someone suffering from two or more of the disorders, usually a mix of Antisocial and Narcissism. But up to 60% of Cluster B’s are comorbid/comorbiding: relating to or denoting a medical condition that co-occurs with another. The more disorders in the mix, the more seductive and dangerous the Cluster B will be and the harder your escape and road to recovery will be.
My Top-Tip: Don’t spend months or years as I did trying to figure out which one your ex-partner was. Read the following articles to get a better understanding of why logic and reason fail when dealing with Cluster B’s and try to remember:
“What was good in the relationship was simply the BPD/Narc Mirroring you and reflecting your best Qualities”.
1.) The Non-Narc’s Guide to “Cluster B” for Recovering Abuse Survivors – Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed
2.) Is she NPD, BPD, Histrionic or a Psychopath? – Alpha Reboot
3.) THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE
5.) Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified
6.) Helping family members & loved-ones
8.) Techniques That Stop High Conflict Behavior
Article Summary: “You think if you nail down exactly which disorder it is then you’ll be able to sleep soundly at night. But it’s a fool’s mission, you’re kidding yourself, because most personality disorders are an overlap. They’re two or more of those disorders and the ratio can change depending on their mood. Trying to nail down a Cluster B’s condition is like trying to nail jello to the wall. There will always be that one time that doesn’t fit the pattern and it can send you slowly nuts”… (Alpha Reboot)
Borderline Personality Disorder: Is believed to occur due to neglect and/or sexual abuse suffered by the BPD as a child, resulting in the emotional development of the child being halted at a young age and unhealthy coping behaviours being formed which leave the borderline struggling to maintain relationships, in particular romantic/intimate relationships in adulthood. In effect they are emotional toddlers in the physical bodies of adults… who will make adult decisions based on a 3–5 year olds understanding of consequences, responsibility and morality.
Borderline Personality Disorder Information and Support
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified |
What Is a ‘Quiet’ Borderline? – Borderline Personality Disorder
Emotional Toddlers: Narcissists, Borderlines and Psychopaths, Part 1
Emotional Toddlers: Narcissists, Borderlines and Psychopaths, Part 2
The Myth vs. Reality Series!
- Borderline Personality is NOT the same as Bipolar Disorder!
- Borderline is not the “Good” Cluster B disorder, as many apologists would have you believe. There are no good Personality disorders.
- Borderlines can appear in several forms: Lower-Functioning/Conventional, Higher-Functioning/Invisible, or Combination (a mixture of both styles)
- There also appears to be a milder version generally known as Quiet Borderlines who project/rage internally rather than externally and are the least dangerous and often find themselves victims of Narcissists themselves.
- Anywhere from 25% up to 60% are Co-Morbid, blended with another Cluster B disorder, thats why there is so much confusion online.
- Borderlines are only victims until they enter intimate relationships then in most cases they become the abuser and should be treated as such.
- The Phase 1 Lovebomb/Idealization phase with a Borderline is arguably the most intense of all the Cluster B Idealizations which makes the borderline the most dangerous predator of them all. This is especially intense if Histrionic is included in the mix.
- Each disorder may have different internal dynamics but for their victim it always results in some version of the Narcissist Abuse Cycle (Idealize/Devalue/Discard/Replace/Hoover).
- Recovery for their victims takes years and affects them for life which is why Cluster B’s especially Borderlines must be labelled and treated with such extreme caution, to protect the general population.
- A Cluster B with Histrionic in the mix is the hardest of all to recover from as they have the most powerful allure/sexual magnetism which is intoxicating to men and impossible to forget.
- A Borderline is easier to spot as they engage in Splitting (Black/White thinking). Borderlines are often referred to as failed Narcissists.
- Borderlines can ONLY be judged from their actions, NEVER their words!
- Regardless of what you may have read or heard elsewhere, Borderlines do not“get better” with age, unless they’ve entered into (and stuck with) core trauma focused recovery work. The longer these core issues go untreated/unresolved, the more entrenched they are, and the deeper and more habituated the one’s defenses and acting-out behaviors become. Age can’t heal the borderline disordered personality, but hard inner work can.
- Untreated Cluster B’s are the closest thing to the Vampires we see in our popular fiction. They don’t feed on Blood. They do feed on their victims souls and on a particular form of energy called “Proximate energy”.
- Borderlines and Narcissists attract each other like magnets. In most cases the Borderline will eventually tear the Narcissist apart, so you can imagine what that means for a relatively normal, loving human being.
- Cluster B apologists will usually try to reframe victims stories as a normal relationship that went bad and the victim is just a bitter ex.
- Cluster B apologists will usually try to minimise victims stories by arguing that the bad ones are a minority and that each case is different. The reality is there are clear, measurable and quantifiable patterns of abuse which are consistent with the Narc abuse cycle and concur with the majority of survivors stories.
- Cluster B apologists will always ask for statistics. This is a ruse. BPD is the most complex of all the Personality disorders, one most trained councillors dont even want to deal with. There are no reliable statistics and there won’t be. Therefore examining this disorder is best done by reading Victim and Survivor accounts to look for patterns which once again are consistent with the Narc abuse cycle and concur with the majority of survivors stories.
- Cluster B apologists will argue that only highly trained professionals are qualified to diagnose a Cluster B. The reality is that >90% of Cluster B’s will never step foot in a councillors office. The partner of a Cluster B is therefore the most qualified person to diagnose the condition, having been put through the Narc Abuse Cycle.
Types of Borderline:
There are three core Archetypes:
- Lower-Functioning/Conventional
- Higher-Functioning/Invisible
- Combination (a mixture of both styles)
Subcategories of People with BPD
These manifest in four BPD subtypes:
- Impulsive
- Petulant
- Discouraged
- Self-Destructive
What are the 4 main BPD subtypes: how do they differ from one another?
These can be further characterised into four Abuse Styles:
- The Witch
- The Queen
- The Waif
- The Hermit
THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE
All Borderlines try to control you. The Witch controls with intimidation and abuse. The Queen controls by making you feel inferior and defective. The Waif controls by shaming and guilting you. The Hermit controls by making you responsible for her survival, and inhibiting your freedom.
You’ll be attracted to aspects in the Borderline, that are missing in yourself. If you’re a fixer/rescuer, you’ll be drawn to the fragile/vulnerable facets of The Waif. If you’re meek/passive and afraid to assert yourself, you’ll be drawn to The Witch. If you lack empowerment, and have discomfort/shyness around others because you feel unworthy, you’ll admire The Queen. If your nature is outgoing/gregarious, but your family of origin didn’t share this characteristic, or saw their world as a dangerous/scary place, you could find yourself inhibited (and limited) by The Hermit.
Each of these abuse styles can overlap depending on the current supply needs of the Borderline! – note: This was pointed out to me by a recovering Borderline!
- CRITICAL PUBLIC WARNING: Even a short relationship with a Borderline can cause permanent damage to their victims emotional and spiritual well-being.
Object Constancy: “the glue that holds relationships together!”
Whole Object Relations (WOR): This is the capacity to see oneself and other people as simultaneously having both liked and disliked traits. Without WOR, you can only flip between seeing yourself amd other people as all-good or all-bad.
Object Constancy (OC): This is the ability to maintain your positive emotional connection to both yourself and other people despite being frustrated, hurt, angry, or disappointed by them.
Abuse and OC: If you have Object Constancy you are less likely to abuse those you claim to love. Without Object Constancy during a fight, all your positive history is lost, as is your desire to stay connected in the future.
Cheating and OC: A second part of Object Constancy involves the ability to maintain your positive connection to a liked other person when the person is no longer physically present. This ability to stay connected despite the physical absence of the loved one diminishes the likelihood of cheating on your mate.
Please see here for another excellent article:
Article Sample: It is important to note that BPD causes fragmentation of memory including, lack of object constancy, lack of whole object relations, “emotional amnesia” as well as outright False Memories (things that never quite happened, but feel as true to Borderlines as anything else). This peculiar problem with memory means that Borderlines only remember others based on their last encounter and continuously color the entire relationship based on each last encounter (i.e. they cannot link the past with the present. Because of the lack of object constancy, they can only live in the present).
My Story: My ex was Primarily a Borderline Queen, blended with Covert Narcissist and Histrionic… who behaved literally but perhaps not consciously as an emotional Vampire…
I identified her as Borderline through something they do called splitting when they (Personality) flip in an instant from loving you to hating you or vice versa.
I could physically see it happening in my ex where her green eyes would flicker and the person I loved was gone and the eyes staring back at me only wanted to cause me pain. It was so shocking I even started researching possession.
Example of BPD Splitting/Projection:
Traits of BPD-Defense Mechanism of Projection
Case Study: The Narcissist Abuse Cycle
Should you find yourself in a relationship with one here’s what to expect::
7 psychological phrases to know if you’re dating a narcissist
Stage 1 Idealization phase: In this honeymoon phase your Borderline mirrors everything you’ve always wanted/needed to believe about yourself. You can expect sophisticated Psychological techniques like Lovebombing, Attribute Mining, Mirroring, Future Projection and intense sex that disable all the logical and emotional defences of their victims.
How a Borderline Relationship Evolves
Women On The Spectrum of BPD-Did She Really Love Me?
Relationship Stages with a Narcissist or Borderline and Triangulation
Attribute Mining is the most insidious tactic they use and something most people don’t even know about. It’s where your BPD/Narc looks for things you’d like to believe about yourself (Career/Looks etc.) and builds that up massively inside you making you feel so good about yourself that you feel like you’re in a movie or a dream. It gives them a massive amount of emotional power over their victims and you can see this being used in cults etc. There is no defence against this except realising when something is too good to be true, and there is no cure when the BPD/Narc drops the act and moves you to the opposite extreme in stage 2.
Simple Real life example: My ex knew I loved hiking and told me repeatedly she would go to mass and pray to meet a man who would take her hillwalking and hiking. Note: she had never been hiking in her life but the knight in shining armour- “I’ve been waiting for you all my life” tactic is a very powerful weapon in neutralising their victims defences.
Stage 2 Devaluation phase where their intense self hatred is Projected onto their victims and all their victims deepest and most private insecurities, uncovered during the lovebombing phase are then amplifed 100 fold in a campaign to destroy you from the inside out. A key tactic will be boundary violations where the BPD/Narc will push against your boundaries again and again in an attempt to break you down.
In addition to Projection the victim will be regularly subjected to one or more of: Pathological Lying, Cheating, Rejection, Magical Thinking, Transference, Gaslighting, Splicing, and the horrific “Splitting” which totally destabilises the victims sense of grounding, self esteem and self worth.
Splitting, Splicing and Projection in BPD Personalities
The victim goes from being loved completely by their dream partner to a drip feed starvation diet. Once a day/week/month you get a flashback of the Idealization dream phase and the victim ends up desperately trying to find ways to bring it back. Anyone who knows how human psychology works knows keeping someone on an emotional drip feed ends up completely addicting the victim to whatever supply is being offered. This tactic plays right into the BPD/Narcs playbook of breaking down their Victims emotionally and spiritually.
End Result: They leave their victim unsure of what is real and what is not… (Councillors call it “The Fog”, a mixture of Stockhom Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance) (FOG is an acronym for Fear Obligation and Guilt, which is how personality disordered individuals manipulate others), and you’ll be conditioned to accept things you would never in a million years accept if you were thinking clearly, and your friends and family will be scratching their heads in amazement.
Helping family members & loved-ones
- CRITICAL PUBLIC WARNING: In this phase you are facing more than just emotional abuse. You are being targetted with a prolonged, deliberate and all out Spiritual attack which will ultimately change your Soul. I would go so far as to call it an Emotional/Spiritual Rape. Whether you eventually recover or not you will never return to the person you were before. This Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD or Complex-PTSD is akin to soldiers coming back from a war. It’s that SERIOUS!
Why Narcissistic Abuse is so Damaging – Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed
NB: Be very careful with your Phone, Email, Facebook, PC, Bank Account information as the BPD/Narc will have no qualms about going into your private stuff. There are simply NO Boundaries that they will respect.
Simple Real life example: chip chip chip away… My ex (BPD Queen) started off with the usual banter and teasing of a normal relationship but it didn’t stop there. Gradually every single thing I liked about myself, every possession, my family, my very thoughts were devalued, mocked and ridiculed. I would get the constant devaluation tactic of “Oh isn’t he so handsome, Isn’t he so mature, Isn’t he so well off… but we have true love so thats ok!”. Chip Chip Chip!
Simple Gaslighting Example: In our house I used to clean the kitchen, sweep the living room floor and clean out the fire 6 out of 7 days as I’m a clean freak. My BPD started pretending she was doing it more than me and swearing on her parents lives she was telling the truth. I got so confused I put up a chart in the kitchen to tick off, only to find her sneaking in and filling it out when she thought I wasn’t looking. Wow!
Note: The term “Gaslighting” comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight.
Stage 3 is the Discard phase where the Narc will start pushing you away even more (everything from Triangulation to RIP to disappearing acts) and will either leave you or push you into leaving them.
In the final stages of a BPD relationship you can expect Redundant Interaction Phenomenon (RIP). RIP is when they keep stating the exact same wounding things to you over and over, as if you need more nails driven into that coffin! You might hear, “I’m not attracted to you-I don’t love you anymore-I wish it could’ve worked between us,” or far far worse… Every time your Borderline says this stuff, it feels like they’re pounding a stake through your heart,
Simple Real life example: Towards the end my ex would disappear three out of 4 weekends apparantly going home to see her family in the country while I was left in Dublin looking after our house and our AirBnB guests. Right at the end I knew we were done for and I moved an acquaintance of mine into our spare room. It only lasted a month as I now realise I did it subconsciously to expose her and she didn’t disapoint, using the BPD/Narc tool of Triangulation to maximum effect, making me feel like I was an unwelcome stranger in my own home. When she became sexually overt towards our new housemate I decided to pack my things and go, with her cruel warning of “You’ll Regret It!” ringing in my ears.
Triangulation: Creating some form of drama or chaos, with the Narcissist in the middle, generally involving two rivals, and manipulating them into a conflict with each other. This either done for the entertainment of the Narcissist or as a way to deflect blame/accountability from themselves.
Stage 4: Here’s what happens when you break up with a narcissist
If you finally get the strength to leave before you’re truly broken as I did a whole new horror unfolds as in the stage 4 Replace phase they replace you with a new target/victim before you’ve even packed your bags… They’re literally sleeping with someone new within hours as they can’t bear to be alone as it means they would have to self-reflect, something a BPD/Narc just won’t do. If covert BPD/Narc they may wipe all trace of your existence. If comorbid you can expect a mixture of the two tactics.
Here’s a good article I read which seems to be more typical:
“One of the most painful aspects of having loved a Borderline, is that after the affair’s over, they appear to move on with their life as if you never mattered to them, and your nose is rubbed in it! Facebook or Instagram postings about their new partners or activities make it seem as if you’ve been obliterated from their memory and wiped off the face of the earth. If you’re unlucky enough to see them out in public, they’re acting flirty and jubilant (as if this break-up hasn’t impacted them at all), while you’re still licking your wounds, wondering how the hell you’re gonna get through each day without him or her. This issue is two-fold; first, the Borderline has been dissociating from difficult feelings since they were very young (they’re masterful at it)–and two, regardless of who left whom, they need to find immediate sources of ego gratification to soothe their emptiness and self-loathing–which you’re not allowed to see, any more than when you were with them!
This is their defense mechanism; it’s not about You, so try not to personalize it”. However in reality we’re only human and it will hit you like a freight Train when you see how fast there’re in bed with someone new… when only hours before you were planning your future, family and life together.
SHELL-SHOCKED! Clearing the Fallout from a Borderline Break-up
But it doesn’t end there. Sooner rather than later their new fantasy relationship unravel’s and then you can expect the following:
- Hoovering (The challenge of sucking you back in when their craving for distraction from empty feelings erupts).
- Dosing (Telling you everything they think you want to hear, which presents as a mini version of the phase 1 lovebombing stage)
7 Types of Hoovers and How to Powerfully Respond – Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed
Note these have nothing to do with saving the relationship and everything to do with the high energy levels (Proximate Energy) generated in a Trauma Bonded relationship which they desperately miss feeding off and can’t get from their new supply. An emotionally healthy person can handle things when the honeymoon phase of a relationship ends, by either ending the relationship or allowing it to develop into something deeper. A Cluster B can’t and has to derive that same energy from positive (Cheating) or negative (Drama) sources. This is why we label them emotional Vampires as its the only description that accurately describes their behaviour.
Why Does My Partner Blow Hot & Cold?
I had a year of hoovering and dosing before my BPD/Narc realised I had finally set a boundary she couldn’t break (Get help or stay away), and once she realised she wasn’t going to get any more narcissistic supply from me she stopped trying.
Simple Real life example: My BPD/Narc came back hoovering and dosing several times over the first year of our breakup, pretending she really loved me and wanted to fix things but I was getting BPD/Narc councilling and my councillor predicted everything my BPD would do to hoover me back! Instead I tested my ex with small things like asking if she had gone for councilling as we had both agreed to do and if so giving her 5 minutes to text me the councillors name, as well as checking her online dating profiles only to find her online the same mornings she was pretending she wanted to make everything right again. Epic Fail each and every time time! Be especially careful at Christmas as they get swept up in the festive romantic energy and will try to hoover you back. If you take the bait you’ll be back to square one by February!
Borderline Relationship Analysis:
Anyone reading this who hasn’t experienced the BPD/Narcissist abuse cycle or the Fog must be thinking are you mad, weak or stupid beyond words for putting up with this and allowing this to happen.
The truth is Falling in Love with a Borderline in the Phase 1 (Idealization) stage gives you all the dreamlike intensity of a First Love, a Twin Flame and a Hollywood Movie all rolled into one. It is physically, emotionally and spiritually intoxicating.
The BPD/Narc can also be quite normal or neutral 50% of the time/ your dream partner 25% of the time and your worst nightmare 25% of the time. If they were monsters all the time it would be much easier to leave them, but they’re not!
In my time with my BPD Queen, I laughed more loudly and loved more deeply than I ever had before. She mirrored me so exactly that even the way we laughed the same. This type of lovebombing and attribute mining leaves victims investing so much of themselves that you simply cannot imagine a life without them, which is why we stay in a Borderline relationship long after we realise our partner is toxic, and struggle for years to heal and move on afterwards.
- CRITICAL PUBLIC WARNING: The Primary target of Borderlines and other Cluster B’s will be people who have their own deep insecurities and have worked hard to overcome them. Weaker Personalities have little to offer them. Secure confident people have strong boundaries and will quickly drop them like a hot rock. So they quickly learn to identify victims who appear strong on the outside but actually soft on the inside (Relatively speaking). Be warned when they’re done with you they will have identified all your primary insecurities and amplified them 100 fold.
I was at my strongest (or so I thought) when I met my BPD/Narc but there is simply no defence for those who dont know about these disorders, except realising when something is too good to be true.
The red flags are always there right from the beginning but unless you have very strong boundaries and are aware of manipulative behaviours you’ll end up walking off the BPD cliff so keep in mind:
Watch out for Red Flags, more than one, time to run!
Realistically though everyone suffers from some of these… and some Red Flags can appear on the surface fairly innocent like my ex who was in her thirties but had never been in a long term relationship. The key here is to be aware of the red flags in the initial Phase 1 Idealization stage, and as they start piling up find the strength to run for the hills before the lovebombing has addicted you to the Narc/BPD.
The “Red Flags of a Narcissist” Series – Thrive After Abuse
How much of this trainwreck is on me? / Why did this happen to me?
“The most dangerous element you share with a Borderline, is poor self-worth. If you truly liked and respected yourself, you wouldn’t be involved with a damaged, self-sabotaging individual who’s toxic and hurtful to you.”
Contrary to popular belief, you are not attracted to someone who’s like your opposite sex parent (boys to their mothers, girls to their fathers). You’re attracted to someone who’s like the parent (of either gender) with whom you had the most difficulties or issues!
Please check out the following podcast and try to read the two books below before you enter back into another serious relationship!
Whitney Cummings – Find Your Calm – Tribe of Mentors
“It’s crucial to understand that the partner or friend of a BPD individual is typically core-damaged in precisely the same ways a Borderline is. They share the same vibrational frequency since childhood, because they’re core traumatized in the same ways. This is what initially magnitizes them to each other, and keeps them trying to ‘get it right’ with one another, against all odds.”
Splitting, Splicing and Projection in BPD Personalities
Those old sayings, that water seeks its own level, and birds of a feather flock together are really true. We are in fact, magnitized to individuals who precisely match our own level of emotional development.
And Someone who is truly emotionally available, doesn’t remain involved with somebody who is not.
Can you help your BPD Partner?
If they accept they need help then Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, pioneered by Marsha Linehan seems to be the one most recognised as getting the best results.. It focuses on the helpful skill sets of Mindfulness, Interpersonal Relationships, Emotional Regulation and Distress Tolerance.
However trying to help a Borderline/Narc/Narcopath who’s in denial is 100% futile and you will fail utterly, as everything that should be a strength (Empathy, Compassion, Compromise, Forgiveness, unconditional Love) become weaknesses the Narc will use against you!
Couples councilling only serves the BPD/Narc as they are expert manipulators and will only make you seem like the crazy one and they will learn even more ways to hurt you. They will also quit going as soon as the Doc/ therapist starts to catch on to the behaviors.
Why Couples Counseling Rarely Works with Narcissistic and Borderline Women
NB: Regular councillors are completely ill equipped to deal with Cluster B’s. Look for ones trained in Narcissist abuse.
If they won’t get help by themselves, for themselves then you must leave and implement FULL no contact. (No Exceptions.. no leaving one email address unblocked just in case… change your number, do whatever it takes to avoid the Hoovering/Dosing that will add so much to your breakup anguish and pain.
The “”No Contact” rule is CRITICALLY important for the victims survival but extremely difficult to implement as the victim has been conned into believing their toxic fake relationship was something so unique and special like a Twin Flame and is worth fighting for to the bitter end!
Why No Contact is So Hard After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline or Psychopath
And the stories I read from people who were unlucky enough to have kids with one of them are truly truly heartbreaking. All they can hope for is to go Grey Rock (No Reaction), employ extreme modified contact and record every interaction for future court and police visits. When The Devil’s The Defendant
Remember: Borderlines never marry for better or worse.
They only marry for better!
Can your BPD Partner control their behaviour?
I’ve read many posts where the Narcs/Bpd’s pretend they can’t control their actions and deserve empathy as a result. In my experience I have found they can control their impulses they just choose not to. My ex was able to behave like a normal girl when around her own family or mine even over extended periods but when she didn’t have to be on her guard she was only too happy to let herself go and disgrace both herself and me in the process. There was no (BPD) Splitting on weekends away with her family or mine, no acts of (NPD) cruelty, and no throwing herself (Histrionically) at every man in the room when her own siblings or mine were present. Which leads to the question of:
Respect
This could be a key factor and one that I haven’t seen researched. The grim reality is that it’s possible to love someone and not respect them. I faced this myself when several years ago I dated a codependent and turned over a period of years from a doting boyfriend into a complete asshole. She couldn’t operate independently and though I loved her I couldn’t respect her. I found that I had turned into a “Walking on Eggshells” Narc myself. I knew this wasn’t the real me and I forced the relationship to end to save both her and myself.
But with my BPD/Narc ex I was the complete opposite: devoted, loyal and loving!
Which leads me to the question does your choice of partner actually contribute or even cause Narcissistic Abuse? And is Narcissist/BPD abuse more likely to happen only with people the Narc/BPD deem less than them in looks/career/Social Status? Do they realise subconsciously their condition means they can’t attract or maintain a relationship with someone on their looks/Career/Social Status “Level” so they choose a target below them in some area and later become resentful with their choice and so begins the Narc Abuse Cycle?
Or does it happen regardless? E.g. If I was tall dark and handsome with a top job would I have faced the BPD onslaught from my ex anyway?
Recovery:
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality
”There are certain very complex dynamics at work in a BPD breakup that can make this experience literally traumatic. These breakups are often described as a complete blindside with no possibility of closure.
Much of the healing for men after a BPD breakup involves understanding the negative aspects of their partner’s behavior. But in order for a man to heal from the longing to get back those good feelings it is very important that he understand the profound effects her positive behavior had on him as well”.
nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/ex-girlfriend-bpd-good-times
Perhaps the main reason I take such a harsh view of the Cluster B’s is because they just click their fingers and start again, while their victims enter of world of PTSD or complex PTSD where they spend years trying to:
a.) Understand and Process the horror of what happened to them with no hope of ever getting closure,
b.) Try desperately to forgive themselves for allowing this to happen,
c.) Swim round and round in circles because you still love the narc with all your heart and even though you know he/she was the most dishonest, disloyal and deceitful person to ever come into your life.
d.) Try to regain some portion of who they were before they had their souls and hearts sucked dry.
e.) In a bizarre twist victims often experience aspects of their BPD/Narcs toxic shame even though the abuser feels none whatsoever and remains always the victim.
f.) The very worst thing about having loved a Borderline, is that when the relationship’s over, you haven’t just lost them—you’ve lost yourself. It’s impossible to hold onto You, when you’re involved with a borderline or Narcissist disordered individual.
Top Recovery Tips:
- Therapy is a must if you’ve been put through the Narc Abuse Cycle.
- No Contact is a must if you are to start recovery!
- Join Support Groups like: Thrive After Abuse and Home – Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed and SHELL-SHOCKED! Clearing the Fallout from a Borderline Break-up and Helping family members & loved-ones, DATING HARLEY QUINN, and https://fromsurviving2thriving.com/, and Overcoming Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships to Create the Life You Want, Shrink4Men, and Techniques That Stop High Conflict Behavior
- Try not to go past 6–12 months on Narc forums etc. or you can get bogged down and it will impede your recovery. This will be difficult as not only is it the last link to what you thought was your Twin Flame/Soul Mate, but it’s also your last link to the old you that is gone and for better or worse won’t be coming back. Nevertheless you must set a closing date or risk analysis paralysis!
- Remember most BPD/Narcs live their lives in complete denial destroying victim after victim after victim. The ones that appear on forums are the minority who become self aware and may be getting help, or they may just have run out of Narc Supply where they live and need to feed. Many will engage in “Blameshifting” and will try to revictimise you pretending that the bad ones are the minority, and that you’re just a bitter ex. Stand your ground as we victims are finally starting to spread the word about these spiritual and emotional rapists. But don’t forget to give all respect and empathy to the ones who realise the horror of what they do and try to change. They are truly admirable.
- The best thing you can do is to live your life as fully as you can. I have heard a new relationship with a non Cluster B can start dismantling the psychic Trauma Bonds they hold over you.
- And Never get involved with someone who has more problems than you! 🙂
Conclusion:
My last text to my Borderline Queen was Rhett Butlers final line:
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” from Gone with the Wind…
I told her I’d exhausted myself in every way possible trying to help her and love her and that it was now up to herself to find her own healing, and if she does she can find her way back to me.
But don’t worry I won’t be holding my breath because:
- Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship!
- You cannot change or fix someone else. You can only change yourself!
- You can never help someone who doesn’t want to be helped!
- It will always be someone else’s fault!
- They don’t change! (Only a very small minority!)
My last word and this is for all the Cluster B’s out there:
“Decent, honest, kind, loving, supportive, and loyal people are NOT responsible for all your pain!
So either get help and warn your partner so they have a chance to defend themselves or STAY AWAY from Romantic Relationship